


Broken

by jncar



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Speculation, Spoilers, Underworld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:53:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6337408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jncar/pseuds/jncar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two conversations and two choices. Speculation based on spoilers for 5.15, "The Brothers Jones."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on Tumblr earlier today and just made time to put it up here. Brace yourself for angst.

Emma sits on a low stone wall at the edge of the woods, hugging herself against the cold breeze. She’s managed to stop shaking with emotion (sorrow, despair, anger, guilt – the list keeps going), but occasional tears still wells in her eyes and she doesn’t bother blotting them away when they roll down her cheeks. She stares at the trees – the trees that look so alive, in spite of being trapped here in limbo.

Maybe sometimes being trapped is better than escape, when escape costs so much.

As soon as she hears the crunch of gravel behind her, she knows it’s him. She takes a deep breath and hugs herself tighter.

“I sent Liam back to the house. I told him we needed a little time to talk. Alone.” Killian eases down onto the wall beside her as if he’s still in pain, though she knows she did a thorough job when she healed him.

“What’s left to talk about?” she replies, still staring at the trees. She can’t bring herself to meet his gaze. “You made things pretty clear already.” Her heart hurts so much she doesn’t know how it still manages to keep on beating.

He slumps forward, elbows resting on his thighs, his hair hanging forward over his face. “You know I’d never suggest moving on if you hadn’t found a way out. I’d stay and keep on fighting until I knew you were safe. You know that, right?”

She knew. But the only way out was a way he couldn’t follow. “So I’m worth fighting for, but you’re not? Our future together isn’t?” She knows how bitter she sounds, but she can’t hold it back. Not after everything she went through to find him. To save him.

“I’m dead, Emma. What other future do I have?” His voice cracks, and she finally turns to get a good look at him. His eyes are swollen and red, and she knows she isn’t the only one who’s been crying.

He shakes his head slowly, the lines of pain and exhaustion on his face visible even in the moonlight. “I’m so tired. I’m sorry.”

For the first time she sees it – really sees it.

This amazing man who was always so strong and confident and tireless – this man who always had her back and never abandoned her and always put her needs ahead of his own – he’s not strong anymore. 

He’s broken. And she’s the one who broke him.

For the first time since she ran that blade through his body, she looks inside herself and really examines everything that passed between them. For so long all he cared about was her happiness. He worked so hard for her happiness that she let herself believe that her happiness was also his happiness. But for the first time she sees how wrong she was.

She lets herself remember his pleas to let him go. When he begged her not to put the Darkness inside of him because he wasn’t strong enough. She remembers his biting words that night in woods after she transformed him. She remembers how scared he looked on the bank of the pond while he begged her one last time to let him die a hero.

He’s a man who spent every day of his too-long life fighting to keep going. And she was the one who finally forced him into a fight he couldn’t win.

No wonder he’s so tired. No wonder he’s so broken.

She’s been selfish for so long. She thought she could be selfish with him. He always let her. But she shouldn’t have been.

She sees the tears welling in his eyes and the tension and pain in his posture.

After all his centuries of fighting he’s finally earned his hero’s reward – a chance at peace and happiness with someone he loves.

How can she deny him that? She can’t be selfish anymore.

She tries to keep her voice steady, but it shakes anyway. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took me so long to understand.”

He turns his head, looking at her with puzzled eyes.

“I…” She can’t break. She has to hold herself together. She sucks in a deep breath and plunges onward. “I don’t regret coming here and saving you from that torture. I could never regret that. But… you’re right. You deserve your chance to rest. I need to let you go.”

She can’t speak after that. It hurts too much. And seeing a tear rolling down his cheek makes it hurt even more. She looks down at her hands in her lap, her eyes blurring with fresh tears.

She feels his arm wrap around her shoulders. She lets herself sink against his chest and clings to his other arm with both hands while his head settles into the bend between her neck and shoulder. She tries to savor it – the feeling of his body warm next to hers and of his strong arms and the way his stubble tickles the sensitive skin of her neck. This might be her last chance.

He shakes against her with his own tears of mourning, and she wonders if he feels it as keenly as she does. If he already misses the future that might have been.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I wish –“

“You don’t have to apologize,” she says, cutting him off. She doesn’t want any more words of regret right now. She just wants to hold him. “You have nothing to apologize for. I just want you to be happy and safe. That will be enough.”

They hold each other in silence for a few more minutes, and she wishes there could be a way to stretch minutes into an eternity.

“I love you,” he murmurs.

“I know,” she whispers back. “I love you, too.”

Eventually they walk hand in hand back to the house they were supposed to share together, and just after crossing the threshold he drops her hand to go find Liam.

She’s never felt more broken. But if this is what it takes to heal the wrong she’s done to him, then she’s willing to do it.

~

A few hours later Emma stands at the dark end of a stone bridge and watches Killian and his brother climb toward the brilliant light that beckons them onward.

Her mother holds her hand and her father’s arm is around her shoulders but she still feels as if she’ll collapse the instant he vanishes from sight.

Then he turns to look back, and her breath catches in her throat.

No matter how much she wants to run after him – to call out his name and make one final plea for him to stay – she knows that she can’t. She owes him this peace.

He looks back to Liam, and she closes her eyes and drops her head. She wanted to be strong, but she just can’t do it. She can’t watch him take those final steps.

“Emma.” Her mother’s voice is urgent and filled with wonder.

What?

She raises her head and blinks away her tears just in time to see Killian dashing toward her, and then his arms are wrapping around her and she’s swaying on her feet and can’t catch her breath and – oh god, is this just a dream? Did she pass out?

But the laughs of joy from her family and his strong arms around her are no dream, and she finds her feet again.

“I couldn’t do it,” he says, his voice low and rough. “I still want that future I promised you. It’s still worth fighting for. I never should have doubted.”

She rests her palm against his cheek and meets his tear-filled eyes with her own. He’s always put her first, even when he shouldn’t have. She needs to make sure he’s not doing that again. She glances over to where the light still blazes, though Liam is no longer there. “We still don’t know how to get you out of here any other way. It’s not too late to go and be happy with your brother,” she whispers.

“It doesn’t matter,” he replies, shaking his head. “You’re still my happy ending, Emma Swan. And you always will be.”

Finally she allows herself to smile.

They’ve been as broken as two beings can be. But a fresh hope wells up in her chest that somehow they can find a way to heal. Together. No matter what it takes.

Slowly the light at the end of the bridge dims, and then vanishes.

But it doesn’t matter. Everything she needs is right here.


End file.
